Don't Let Anyone Take Your Shine: Be Authentic to Meet Quality Gay Men

Dr. Gregg Being a Complete and Utter Goofball While Holding Up a Building in Downtown Madrid

In the gay world of dating, it’s easy to feel like you have to fit into a mold or play a part just to be accepted. But after years of meeting men, both personally and as a psychologist listening to countless stories, I can tell you with absolute certainty: the only way a relationship is going to work is if you do it your way. That's right—it’s got to be your way or the highway. Period. End of story.

Is it Really “My Way or the Highway”?

Let’s clear up this sentence right away. “It’s got to be your way or the highway” doesn’t mean you bulldoze over other people’s feelings or act without regard for anyone else. It means your job to meet quality gay men—well, your primary responsibility in any relationship—is to be your authentic self at all times and to make your own happiness a priority. That’s not selfish; it’s essential.

We’ve all been conditioned by family, religion, school, and society to believe that our job is to make others happy, and that putting ourselves first is wrong. But those are outdated ideas meant to control us. In today’s world, you have the freedom—and the responsibility—to take care of yourself first. Only when you’re happy, at peace, and feeling good about yourself can you truly be there for someone else and contribute your best to a relationship.

This Is Not Just a Fluffy “Be Yourself” Message

I want to be clear: When I say you have to be authentic with yourself at all times, it’s because that raw realness is, actually, crucial for true human connection to take hold. For two human souls to truly reach, see, and connect with each other, it has to be based on the reality of who each person is. That means showing the full range of your humanity—not just the happy, smiling parts.

Being your real self means letting your negative emotions show just as much as your positive ones. If something happens that you don’t like, let it show. Don’t try to put forth a perfect image or let someone think you’re anywhere near perfect. Not only is that unhealthy for you, but it’s a warning sign if someone is even willing to believe you’re perfect. In today’s world, with technology making it easier than ever to curate and filter our lives, authenticity is becoming rarer and rarer. Unless you are extremely deliberate and intentional about communicating your authenticity and allowing others to access it, you won’t be able to notice or connect to authenticity in others either. Like many of my gay male clients, you run the risk of falling into a cycle of meaningless or superficial connections and hookups that leave people feeling lonely and single.

My Personal Experience

I’ve been fortunate — indeed, blessed — to have wonderful, I'd even say magical, experiences meeting men throughout my life, and I largely attribute that success to being myself at all times. That doesn’t mean I never have uncomfortable moments or disagreements. Of course I do! Sometimes I have to set limits or navigate differences in needs and desires. But by sticking to my guns—being consistent with my words and actions, expressing what I feel and want—I’ve always come out of interactions feeling positive and respected.

I’ve never had to endure being mistreated or taken advantage of, because my pure intentions shine through. I don’t hide who I am, and I encourage you to let your true colors show, too. Have fun, let your hair down, and make the decision not to care what someone thinks of you. If they have a problem with who you are, they’re not the right fit. Your job is to be yourself 100% of the time (without being hurtful), and if someone doesn’t like it, that’s actually a gift—it helps you move forward in the intimacy process.

For example, I love making up new names for people I feel close to. I rarely call someone I like by their actual name; I create new ones based on how I feel in the moment. Whether someone enjoys this or not tells me a lot about our connection. If they’re offended, they can let me know, and I stop—but it also helps me gauge how close I feel to them.

Insights from My 25 Years as a Psychologist

Many of my gay male clients tell me they feel misunderstood, like they don’t fit into the community, or that they’ve been told they’re “too much.” My response is always the same: if you’re “too much” for someone, you’re simply not on the same frequency. That’s not a problem—it’s a sign you’re being true to yourself, and that’s exactly what you should be doing.

Say what’s on your mind, use your natural tone of voice, let your obnoxious laugh out, and let your full self live in the moment. The response of the other person is on them, not you. If you get a bad reaction, that’s useful information. Notice how they handle it: do they express themselves respectfully, joke with you, or try to shame or hurt you? These early interactions are crucial. If you hide your true self, you risk bigger problems down the line when you’ve already invested too much.

Practical Tips for Authentic Dating

So, what do I recommend if you’re looking to truly connect with a guy?

1. Relax and Let Go of the Outcome

Don’t go into any date, chat, or hookup with expectations. You’re meeting someone to spend time together—nothing more. Don’t expect a boyfriend, amazing sex, or instant chemistry. Just be present.

2. Make Yourself Feel Amazing

Take a shower, wear what makes you feel good, and show up with a genuine smile. Don’t dress or act for someone else—do it for you.

3. Stay in the Moment

Don’t worry about what will happen next week, next month, or next year. Don’t stress about whether you’ll become boyfriends or even friends. Just enjoy the experience.

4. Have Fun

Fun is essential. When you’re happy and relaxed, your authentic self shines through. Positive experiences lay the foundation for real connection.

5. Be in a Good Mood

Don’t start conversations or go on apps when you’re irritated or frustrated. Your mood will come through and affect your ability to connect authentically. Wait until you’re in a positive, relaxed state.

6. Notice How Others Respond to Your Authenticity

Pay attention to how people handle your quirks and differences. Respectful, kind responses are a good sign. Criticism or shaming is not.

Final Thoughts

Your job, above all else, is to be yourself—fully, unapologetically, and joyfully. That’s how you attract the right people, build real connections, and create relationships that are truly worth having. If someone can’t handle your sparkle, your goofiness, or your “too much-ness,” let them take the highway. The right person will love you for exactly who you are.

I am grateful to my dear friend, Juan, for telling me once: