The Desire To Have A Partner vs. The Intention To Have A Gay Committed Partnership

Saying you want a partner, thinking about a partner, and imagining yourself with someone to love and share your life with, will not bring you a man. You have to at least put one foot in front of the other.  

If you're a successful gay man or a professional who’s doing pretty well, or you have almost everything except love, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. I’ve worked with countless high-achieving gay men who are emotionally open, self-aware, even well-versed in therapy—and still struggling to create the relationship they crave.

The #1 blind spot I see? Confusing desire with intention.

These two internal states may look similar, but they create radically different outcomes. Desire will keep you longing. Intention is what actually moves you toward love.

Desire: The Fake Ache That Doesn’t Take You Anywhere

I have upwards of 100 single gay men asking me to join #ProperlyPartnered each month, all proclaiming, affirming, and confirming unequivocally: "I want a partner."  

When I ask these quite attractive, interesting single gay gentlemen what they have been doing to enable a relationship—to allow a partner into their life, the replies I get way too often are something like:

📧 "I've never really thought about it"

📧 "Nothing ... "

📧 "I'm waiting very patiently and I know he will come."

📧 "It's not me; the guys out there aren't serious."

📧 "I just want a partner—really I do!"

Rarely, however, am I provided by these men with any semblance of a plan as to just how this Mr. Right is supposed to actually materialize as a real flesh-and-blood masculine loving human being in the person's life. 🤔

Desire says: “I want a partner. I miss connection. I wish someone would choose me.” And while that longing is valid, it leads nowhere.

Why? Because desire is passive. It lives in fantasy. It hopes someone will come along and rescue you from your loneliness—but it doesn’t actually change the way you show up.

It also doesn't get us anywhere because desire energizes the state of lack—the not having—focusing us further on the pain, frustration, and loneliness.

If you’re always hoping but never moving, you’re likely stuck in one or more of what I call 📺 chronically single behaviors—subtle, unconscious actions that push love away while convincing you you’re doing everything right.

Desire keeps you scrolling. Desire keeps you fantasizing. Desire keeps you alone, hooking-up emptily, or getting involved with men who are wrong for you because deep down, your main focus is wanting a partner—instead of having one.  So, in essence, the popular pasttime of wanting a partner is actually a waste of time.

Intention: The Choice That Ends The Cycle of Chronic Singlehood

Intention is desire with direction.

It’s what happens when you say: “I’m not just wishing for a partner—I’m preparing to have one.”

Think about it.  Desire is PAINFUL.  💔 It's all about what we don't have, or lack, and all that that represents for us and our life.  It's about how lonely, incomplete, or empty we know we feel, and the desperation to not feel that way anymore.  So, wanting is not only unproductive; it feels like shit.

On the other hand, intention feels ✨ GOOD. Intention is when we know without a doubt that we are on the track toward our goal and that he's already here.  In fact, we feel so good about oursleves because of how we are living that the desperate longing for a partner who will complete us is replaced by the excitment of having someone to share our joy via a gay committed partnership.  That is pure intention—when you are so balanced within yourself that you start attracting men who not only are doing the same but want to do that with YOU.

So, when you stop complaining and looking outward for your needs to be met and take charge of your own outcome, you're setting the intention to have a loving, lasting relationship.  That's when your energy shifts. You stop entertaining unavailable men. You stop dating on autopilot. You start filtering your choices based on who aligns with your values, not just who gives you a dopamine hit.

And here’s the big shift: You stop caring so much about “Do they like me?” and start asking “Is this someone I could build with?”

Why Wanting A Gay Committed Partnership Isn’t Enough

Guys, I can't say this clearly enough: Wanting love doesn’t mean you’re ready for it.

When you lead with want, you’re reinforcing the belief that something is missing. That you’re incomplete. That love is outside your reach. This energy of lack creates fear, scarcity, and bad choices.  Not to mention that it's a 🤮 total turnoff!

And for what it's worth, the gay dating culture we live in carries a mindset that often leads to:

• Settling for hot guys who aren’t emotionally available

• Confusing chemistry with compatibility

• Feeling unworthy and seeking approval from 'the A crowd' (Yes–even I have fallen into this!)

• Mistaking hookups for connection

• Sabotaging good dates with insecure behaviors

  
  

Shifting from Fantasy to Action

When you move from desire to intention, you begin taking aligned action:

• You define what your ideal partner looks like emotionally—not just physically

• You say out loud (yes, even on the first date) that you’re looking for something real (and actually do the things required for it to happen)

• You stop pretending you’re okay with casual if you’re actually craving commitment

• You let go of behaviors that keep you stuck in a cycle of singlehood

You don’t wait for a relationship—you cultivate one by getting off your ass and putting one step in front of the other.

Aligning Your Life with Partnership

Love doesn’t come when you’re desperate for it. Love comes when you’ve created space for it.  Period.

That means:

✔  Evaluating your habits

✔  Letting go of dynamics that drain you

✔  Taking care of your emotional, physical, and sexual self

✔  Learning 📺 how to communicate what you want with clarity and confidence

It means dating intentionally ... dating like a man who expects real love to show up—because you’re already living the kind of life that can hold it.

Self-Awareness: Your Secret Weapon

Guess what? Your future partner doesn’t want a perfect man. He wants a self-aware one.

Someone who knows his needs. Knows his triggers. Knows his worth.

That kind of self-trust is magnetic. And it’s built when you stop waiting to be chosen—and start showing up as a chooser.

This is why I teach my clients to go inward first. To identify and eliminate the unconscious behaviors that block intimacy. Because no matter how good your dating app profile is, if you’re running on outdated patterns, you’ll keep attracting the wrong kind of guys.

Let Go of Timelines, Not Standards

Feeling behind? You’re not. There is no “too late” for love. There’s only misaligned effort.

Timelines create pressure. Pressure leads to panic. Panic leads to poor choices.

Letting go of urgency doesn’t mean giving up—it means trusting that love will arrive when you’re truly ready for it. And readiness isn’t about time. It’s about intention.

Final Word: Intention As the Gateway to Love

Desire says: “I wish I had a partner.” Intention says: “I’m becoming the man who has relationships.”

If you’re ready to step out of longing and into real partnership, it starts here—with your decision to be intentional. Not perfect. Not fearless. Just intentional.

Let’s get you #ProperlyPartnered.

You deserve more than just the hope of love. You deserve the experience of it.